NATIONAL HARBOR, Md. The National Board of Unlicensed Event Counselors reported this week that none of the events industry’s 40 principal roles involves the work listed in its job posting. Every one of them, the board concluded, is a form of counseling delivered by someone with a lanyard and no malpractice coverage.

“We kept the official titles for the business cards,” said a senior human resources consultant retained by the board, who asked that her name be withheld because her own title appears on the list. “The titles are for the board. The therapy is for everyone else.”

The board cited a 2022 survey of 399 meeting planners by Convene, in which more than a third described themselves as anxious about the future or exhausted and burned out, and noted that none of them had been offered a license.

The findings compare each role as posted with the role as performed. The Registration Manager, listed as “manages attendee data,” was found to be an exposure therapist who talks down a vice president whose badge misspells his name, which he has read, correctly, as a verdict on his career.

The Event Designer, listed as “conceives and realizes immersive event environments,” was classified as a family therapist hired for one bar mitzvah and retained for three generations. Within a few years the designer is consulted on the living room, the kitchen, the dog’s bed and whether the eldest son should marry her, and eventually, because the founder trusts the same taste, on the company’s flagship event for thousands.

The report singled out the Volunteer, who is listed as assisting with wayfinding and attendee support. In practice, the board found, the Volunteer is a networking strategist in a free T-shirt, working eleven unpaid hours to stand near the one person who might hire him and describing the arrangement as “making connections.” The board noted that the Volunteer Director, a separate role, remains under the impression that they are there for the mission.

The finding that most concerned investigators involved the Stage Manager, listed as “calls cues and manages the stage.” The board determined the role to be therapist in chief, standing in the dark behind the curtain with a hand near the speaker’s shoulder and delivering the last confidence anyone will receive before walking into the light. “For ninety seconds, the speaker’s entire sense of self is on loan from someone in black with a headset,” the consultant said. The Keynote Speaker, the board noted, is the only role on the list that is also on the receiving end of the therapy.

Respondents who completed the review will receive a Certificate of Unlicensed Practice, which certifies that the bearer “has counseled colleagues, clients, vendors and strangers without license, training, or compensation for the counseling.” The certificate lists forty hours of continuing education, earned at the bar.

At press time, the board had also confirmed a 41st role: the person who attends every one of these meetings to ask whether anyone has thought about the attendee experience. The position is listed as consultant and billed hourly.

The board also said it has heard that several hospitality and event management programs are considering adding clinical counseling coursework to their curricula, and that none has yet asked whether the students were told.