THE BEO MEETING — The planner reviewed the banquet event order at 4:40 p.m., listened to a client announce a full menu change ninety minutes before doors, and said the two words witnesses describe as the most misunderstood in the industry: 'no problem.' Interpretation services confirmed within minutes that it was, in fact, a problem — a large one, with sub-problems.

Linguists who study the dialect, known professionally as planner-speak, describe it as the only language in which every reassuring phrase means its opposite. 'No problem' means it's a problem, and has been since the site visit. 'It's fine' means it is not fine. 'Per my last email' means do your job. 'Happy to help' means a lawyer has been contacted.

The phrasebook continues in this direction. 'Sure, we can look at that' means the request will never be looked at. 'Let me check' means please never ask again. 'Perfect' means nothing is perfect, nothing has ever been perfect, and the person who touched the seating chart again should hide. 'No worries if not' means there are worries, and there is no not.

The client, reassured by the words 'no problem,' left the meeting relaxed. The banquet captain, who speaks fluent planner, left the meeting at a run. The captain later confirmed that the planner's calm tone, the note she wrote on the BEO, and the words 'it's fine' together constituted what one veteran described as 'a five-alarm fire in polite clothing.'

At press time, the planner had graded the situation out loud as 'fine,' scheduled a quiet meeting with the chef, and begun composing an email that begins 'Circling back.' Experts advise treating every reassurance as an invoice: something is coming, and it is not small.